I've been born-again my whole life.
Accepting Jesus into your heart and getting saved is a big decision...
...especially for a three-year-old.
My faith taught me that everything was a part of God's plan.
Mom said that he even had a reason for taking my father to heaven.
She explained that Daddy was with the angels.
Well, I wanted to be with the angels, too.
But God had other plans.
Jesus became the center of my life.
I still don't think he's supposed to be white,
- I was watching this thing on television-- - Of course, he's white,
Gosh, Sometimes I think my brother's retarded, too,
No, your brother's not retarded,
I was a member in good standing of the Christian Jewels.
It's sort of like a girl gang for Jesus.
Don't kill your baby!
Lillian Cummings,
My mom was finally named the number one
Christian interior decorator for the entire region.
And in spite of living in what the Bible calls "the end times, "
my future was looking bright.
I had the perfect Christian boyfriend.
And I was about to be a senior at a really good Christian school.
Two weeks before summer vacation ended,
everything changed.
My boyfriend and I played this game
of telling each other secrets underwater.
It's lame, I know.
But this wasn't exactly the MTV Beach House.
Okay, now my turn,
Okay, ready?
Mary!
Maybe it was because I was drowning,
or the shock of Dean's confession...
...but at that moment, I had a vision.
Dean needs you now,
You must do all you can to help him,
It's just a Iittle bump, Mom, I'm totally fine,
Okay, all right.
Mom was away at the Christian Community Leader's Convention
in Orlando with Pastor Skip-- the principal of my school.
- Honey? - Mom,
You didn't tell me Pastor Skip was so nice,
Yeah, everybody loves him.
We've been talking about setting up our own fellowship programs
when I get back to Cherry Hill.
- I have to go. - Come and get it.
Come and get it.
Love you,
- I love you, too. - Bye,
What's shaking, Skip?
How could my boyfriend be gay?
He's, like, the best Christian I know.
He's an athlete who's constantly strengthening himself--
physically, creatively, and spiritually for the Lord.
Thank you, Jesus,
Why had he been stricken with such a spiritually toxic affliction?
I figured I needed to take the most direct approach to saving him.
I mean, it was Christ's will and all.
Jesus spoke to you? In person?
He trusts me,
Okay? You're just gonna have to trust me, too,
- Just kiss me, okay? - Okay,
Dean and I worked diligently on his problem
for the rest of the summer.
Anything yet?
Now?
Are you sure this isn't a sin?
I was pretty sure what we were doing wasn't a sin,
but not sure enough to give Dean what he really needed.
I needed spiritual guidance or a sign or something, and quick.
Hilary Faye seemed to have a spiritual solution for every problem.
Christian girls have got to know how to protect themselves,
I mean, sure, Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity,
especially if I Iost it to some rapist, but,,,
who wants that?
I'm saving myself until marriage, and I'II use force if necessary,
What's all that about restoring your virginity?
I mean, physically, you're a virgin once,
Yeah, and it's not about reversing the violation of your blessed womb,
It's about Jesus granting you a virginal heart,
That way, you're pure again,
Do it,
My next move was clear.
Nice,
You're getting the hang of it,
How are you doing? What's going on?
Sure, it was a radical step,
but why else had Jesus directed me to the gun range?
Thank you, Jesus,
Having asked Jesus to restore my emotional and spiritual virginity
in exchange for curing Dean,
I started my senioryear with all of that behind me.
This new van is amazing,
Thanks,
It's official,
The Christian Jewels-- I bought one for everybody,
Pin it on, I wanna see it,
It's terrific, Hilary Faye, Thank you,
You're welcome,
Hi, Roland, How was your summer?
- What? - Your summer, how was it?
Well, I went rollerblading, water-skiing, Iearned to kickbox,
You know, the usual,
Why do you have to make people feel so awkward about your differently-abledness?
I'm sorry, I really don't know what's gotten into him,
Here's the latest from Godflight.
I Iove these guys,
They are totally Jesus-centric and gorgeous,
Veronica was adopted by her parents
when they were missionaries in Vietnam.
Hilary Faye sees her as an example of God's will
triumphing over a savage, godless nation.
So what do you think of the new ride?
You're so Iucky, Hilary Faye,
Yeah, I could've had a Lexus gold edition, you know,
Roland is blessed with such a thoughtful sister,
In countries Iike China, Hilary Faye probably would've been killed at birth,
And then where would you be, Roland?
China,
Welcome,
You're one of us now,
- What?! - Come on, pin it on,
You guys, I'm not gonna have any time to warm up now,
- You will, - Where's Dean?
He knows I have to sing at assembly this morning,
He's coming,
Can you go check? Move him along a Iittle bit?
- Yeah, - Thank you,
Not a problem,
Is Dean ready?
I,,,
I found this under Dean's bed Iast night,
He's on his way to Mercy House this morning,
He could be gone a Iong time,
We thought you should know,
But,,,
I'm so sorry, Mary,
Let's go,
Is he coming out, or not?
Not,
Mercy House is a Christian treatment facility
where they deal with everything from drug abuse,
to alcoholism, to de-gayification, and unwed mothers.
I need to tell you guys something,
What? It wasn't Iike it was some kind of secret,
The guy was Iike a one-man gay pride parade,
You know, we've never had a gay at American Eagle,
We're not gonna tell anyone, okay?
Sure,
Hilary Faye,
- You promised me, - Yeah, that's fine,
What if you had married him?
The gayness would be passed on to your children,
Cassandra Edelstein was the only Jewish to ever attend American Eagles.
She transferred in last year amid rumors that she was a stripper.
Everyone wanted to get her saved, especially Hilary Faye.
Hi, Cass, Welcome back,
Smoking isn't just bad for you, it's bad for all of us,
Secondhand smoke kills,
I'm counting on it,
Oh, my gosh! Hilary Faye, are you okay?!
I bet she doesn't even have a handicap permit for her car,
And I'm right!
Oh, my God,
Come on, We don't want to be Iate for homeroom, okay?
Let's get to class,
- Hi, Matt, - Hey,
- I'm a Jewel, - Oh, it's awesome!
Hey, guys, guess what?
I think Jesus appeared to me in my fish tank, and he--
It's okay, it didn't move,
The tank's kinda dirty and most of the fish are dead,
but my mom said if you guys--
Okay, Tia, thanks,
- I'II see you after class, - I'II talk to you guys after class,
I hope you all Iet God use you as a vessel
for his divine plan this summer,
I'm sure by now most of you have noticed the beautiful billboard
designed and painted by our own Hilary Faye
and donated by her father,
Thank you,
Mary helped,
And speaking of new additions, class, I'd Iike you to welcome Patrick Wheeler,
Most of the boys in school looked like NASA employees, not Patrick.
There had to be a catch.
Patrick is Pastor Skip's son,
He's been in South America doing missionary work with his mother,
and this summer he just completed a world tour
with the Christian skateboard association,
Nice,
Out there hitting the board for the Lord?
Is nothing sacred to you people?
Before this morning's assembly,
why don't we catch up on what everyone did this summer?
Mary, Iet's start with you,
AII right, everyone,
put your hands together for the Christian Jewels!
Some of the words to myself would make the clouds disappear
If you were gone, what would I become?
You're so good to me
I mean that,
Oh, clarity
Dear God
A Iittle piece of Heaven
in my world
So, I figured they would've sent you to a special school by now,
This is a special school,
No,
I fell out of a tree when I was nine,
Hilary Faye found me,
She calls it the miracle that saved my Iife,
The miracle you could've used
would've been not falling out of the tree in the first place,
Sorry,
Is that why you're behind a year?
Yeah,
We should get back inside,
Nice,
- You want a push? - Thanks,
If you stare at my ass again, I will push you off a cliff,
Thank you, Jesus, Amen,
AII right!
Welcome to the first assembly of the year!
Give it up, The Lord Jesus is in the house!
Let's get our Christ on, Let's kick it Jesus style,
Y'all wanna walk with the ultimate rebel, right?
The ultimate CEO, The biggest celebrity of them all,
Who's down with G,O,D?
I'm down with the G,O,D! That's right!
Jesus Rules! Jesus Rules!
Let's pray,
Lord, we're gonna have an awesome school year
here at American Eagles Christian High,,,
I know I'm not supposed to ask for specifics, Lord,
Iike when I prayed for an expensive car and got the handicapper van instead,
but I want this to be the best year ever.
And between you and me...
...I think you'll agree I totally deserve it.
Thank you for sparing me from the eternal hellfires of damnation.
I'm sorry I let that Promise Maker guy touch me in the rectory.
Daddy still hasn't stopped drinking, but I know you're working on it.
And I really want to be a Jewel.
I wonder if rollerboy's paralyzed everywhere below the waist.
Oh, yeah, she digs me.
Please, Jesus, don't let Dad humiliate me.
Those Jesus freaks are on to something,
Especially in front of her.
About Dean and I, I thought we had a deal.
Why is he at Mercy House?
You did restore me, right?
And keep our president safe,
Amen,
Now, who wants to come down here and give their heart to the Lord?
Who wants to start the year off right and get saved?
A Iot of temptations over the summer,
I bet some of you folks backslid just a Iittle,
Who wants to recommit themselves to the Lord?
There we go! AII right,
Praise Jesus,
Fantastic,
Praise Jesus, Come on down,
- There you go, - Awesome,
Welcome home, Welcome home to Jesus,
Welcome to his home, Jesus Ioves you,
Praise Jesus, Accept him into your heart,
Hallelujah!
Bear witness,
She's speaking God's Iove Ianguage, folks!
Oh, my God, The Jew girl's speaking in tongues!
She's gonna show her boobs, Thank you, Jesus,
She is! She's gonna show her boobs!
Mahh possie is a hot pooosie!
Mahh hotta pooosie!
Mahh possie is a hot pooosie!
She's saying she's got a hot--
After that, Cassandra's status went from a cautionary tale to legend.
It seemed like there was no act too vulgar to get her expelled.
The more she acted out...
...the more Hilary Faye wanted to get her saved.
I am totally glad she wasn't expelled, Her actions are such a cry for help,
She may not know this now, but she is Iike--
she's Iike that much closer to accepting Jesus in her heart, right?
Seriously, she could be some poor savage in some remote jungle somewhere
who will never know the Lord and who will never go to Heaven, ever,
I think that's why God has missionaries Iike Patrick to spread his word,
Yeah, What's up, guys?
- You're Mary, right? - Here's your board,
- Thanks, bro, - Yeah,
You played the keyboard during assembly, That was really cool,
- Thanks, - Isn't she great?
She knows just how to compliment my vocal stylings without overpowering them,
We were just talking about all your missionary work, It's so great,
So, Iike, what part of the world has the worst heathens?
'Cause I'm so interested in that,
Honestly, I couldn't say, Mostly, I just stuck to skating,
No, but how many of them did you actually save, do you think?
Guys, I totally scored some free stuff for you,
Thank you, Tia,
Piss off, asshole!
And another thing-- no more muffin for you,
The muffin shop is closed!
- Come on, - Oh, my gosh,
She is in worse shape than I ever could have imagined, right?
We need to show her just how cool we Christians can be,
- Totally, - Let's start the Iaughing,
Now!
Cass, come join us, We're just--
Do you wanna go wait in the van again? Do you know these are new pants!
You're handicapped, but get it together,
Hey, Roland, how about we get outta here,
and you can give me a Iittle spin in that thing?
Release his parking brake, Hilary "Fake,"
You smell Iike Tia's dad, Have you been drinking?
Come on, Careful,
I'm having a vision of the Virgin Mary,
Cassandra, are you all right?
What she needs to do is accept Jesus into her heart,
I thinkwhat she needs is a ride home,
- I'II take her, - I'II help you, then,
Come on, Cassandra,
No, no, Iet go of the pizza,
Get off of me!
Helping Patrick haul Cassandra out of the mall
was Iike the most perfect God-centered moment,
You really Iearn a Iot about a boy when you're servicing the Lord,
Hilary Faye, I can see your pad,
- I can see a Iittle bit of it right-- - Quit it!
SIowly raise up through the knees, still bent at the waist, and roll to standing,
Good,
And twist and hold,
Come on, Keep holding,
I know what you're Iooking at, Mary,
And Jesus does, too,
After a threatening letter from the State Board of Education,
they finally broke down and created a Sex-Ed class.
A little too late, I might add.
So, it's all about populating the planet,
And good Christians don't get jiggy with it until they're married,
Lights,
Yes, Mary,
Is it possible Jesus might need us to do his will by, you know, not waiting?
Of course, he wants us to wait,
I don't think I get what you mean, Mary,
I don't know,
Which variety of bass is not indigenous to North America?
- B--small mouth, - Peacock,
- Large mouth? - I'm sorry. That's incorrect.
This religious figure was best known
for offering to God a sacrifice of one of his sons.
- Moses! - Brenda.
I--I'm guessing Abraham?
- That's correct. - Oh, really?
- Congratulations. Well done. - I hate this show,
Coming up on Lifetime,
Valerie Bertinelli stars in Bitter Harvest--
a sensitive portrayal of one woman's struggle with cancer.
This Iooks good,
There was a feeling of twilight in the air...
...all honeydew and lilac.
God wasn't just smiling down on me...
...he was jumping up and cheering.
And then, well...
...I thought I was pregnant.
I'd been throwing up every morning
and hadn't had my period in two months.
So I took a home pregnancy test.
What happened?
I found out I wasn't pregnant.
It was the cancer.
She found all that out from a home pregnancy test?
Valerie's struggles made me realize that my problems weren't so bad.
Dean was getting help, and I still had the Jewels.
I was gonna be okay.
- You work here, too? - Yeah, I'm saving up for a car,
When I get one I can come pick you up and stuff,
You okay?
Yeah, it's just really hot in here,
- I'II see you Iater, - Promise?
PIease Iet it be cancer, PIease Iet it be cancer,
The test mentions something about a possible false positive,
Do you have anything Iater on Monday?
3:00? No, no, I can make that,
I have my Ieadership meeting tonight after work,
- You're not wearing that, are you? - Why not?
You just can't, Mom,
You're right, it's too hot for a sweater,
- I'II see you Iater, - Bye, hon,
Hey, Mary, Sorry to hear about Dean's faggotry,
- What?! - See you at P, circle?
Can I talk to you?
What's going on?
You promised me,
It's hard,
But I think this is the only way we can actually help Dean,
Don't you think?
Come on, You're not born a gay,
You're born-again,
I don't know what I think anymore,
I've gotta go,
Wait, Don't you need me to give you a ride home?
Not today, Hil,
Okay, Well, tonight at the prayer circle meeting then, okay?
Prayer circle meeting at my house at 7:00,
I'm conducting it for Mary's gay boyfriend Dean,
What?
You know where a guy can get some smokes?
What's the matter?
Scared to be seen in public with a stripper?
No, Scared of being seen with a cripple?
I've been seen with worse,
Hilary Faye's gonna freak out when I'm not there waiting for her,
Who cares?
It's just that I don't get out much on my own,
- I'm not really a stripper, - I'm not really a Christian,
So, how did you end up at American Eagle?
I mean, you're Jewish, right?
Well, after I got expelled from my Iast school,
it was either here or home schooling,
I figured I could handle these freaks better than my parents,
Lucky me,
- Are you playing footsies with me? - Wheelies,
Hey, isn't that,,,
What is she doing downtown?
There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the PIanned Parenthood,
- She's planting a pipe bomb?! - Okay, two reasons,
With Dean?!
I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb,
I,,,I should get home,
Yeah, you should,
Shit,
Fuck,
Goddamn,
And we pray for all the perverts, Lord, but especially for Dean,
whom at this time, just hasn't found the right girl,
We join together and beg you to rid him of his unnatural perversions,
May you Iead him out of the darkness, Lord,
and into your divine Iight,
Amen,
That was good, That felt really nice,
Thank you so much for that good prayer,
- Hi, Mary, - Hi,
How are you? So good to see you, We've been waiting for you,
We were just finishing up, so if you have anything else you wanna add,
Jesus is still Iistening,
Jesus isn't Iistening, Hilary Faye,
I did everything I could to save Dean, and he still ended up at Mercy House,
Let's take a breath--
What can they say and do that I haven't already done!
Don't embarrass me!
We have to pray about this, Prayer works!
- It's been medically proven, - Just Iay off of me, Hilary!
Wait a second,
Give me that,
You could pollute the Jewels and everything we stand for,
And I can't have that, Good-bye,
I hope you know that this is all a waste of time,
I just got off the phone with Hilary Faye,
Wow! Can she be an uppity whootie-who,
What's the matter?
Nothing,
Come on,
Why do you think Dean's parents sent him away so fast?
They probably thought they couldn't handle it by themselves,
Having a child is Iike owning a car--
I can change the oil, fill the gas tank,
take it to a carwash, but if the carburetor broke,
I wouldn't have a clue as to how to fix it,
What are you saying--you'd actually send me to a place Iike Mercy House?
Mary, please don't tell me you're a Iesbian,
Should I be worried about you?
I don't need to worry about you,,,do I?
No,
My mom just compared me to a car,
so me having a baby
definitely falls into the category of things she couldn't handle.
A week after prom and two days after I turned eighteen,
I was going to join the unwed mothers club.
Dean, I'm really sorry about what we did,
I mean, we should've at Ieast used protection,
But you're the only person I've been with.
- No, I know that. - I don't have anything,
It's just-- Dean, I really,,,
I need to tell you something.
- Hey, governor, - Hi, Mitch,
- Mitch? - He's my roommate.
He's here for the same reason as me,
He even ran away from home to San Francisco.
He's Iike the worst one here,
- You better be careful, - I'm gonna beat this.
According to the brochure, hundreds of others have,
What were you gonna say?
Nothing, Just,,,
I wanted to know if you'd be out by prom,
- Wild horses couldn't stop me, - Mercy House residents--
I gotta go, We're doing a Christian haunted house,
Happy Halloween.
Let's go, Iet's go, Let's pick it up,
Nice costume,
Thanks,
'Cause we have the same,,,
If you don't Iet go, I'II tell everybody you touch me inappropriately
while helping me in the bathroom,
- Is that supposed to embarrass me? - I'm tired of you pushing me around,
Well, maybe I'm tired of pushing you around,
He's all yours!
Thanks, Call me Iater, okay?
He doesn't appreciate one thing you do for him,
Without the strength and Iove that Jesus provides me,
do you really think Cassandra's gonna be able to take care of him?
No way,
She's just gonna end up hurting him,
By the Iook of the bruises on his neck, she already has,
Tia, please,
What are you supposed to be?
A roller skate,
I've got something to show you,
You do?
You didn't just do this for the parking permit, did you?
Pretty much,
In the meantime, I was trying to find a new religion
or a new God or whatever,
but to tell you the truth, they were all kind of freaking me out.
I mean, sure, they can't all be right, but they can't all be wrong, right?
You know, the whole crystal thing is so felt up,
Don't you have a church to desecrate or something?
Roland and I saw you sneaking out of the clinic,
Kudos on the Bono shades, by the way,
I was distributing pamphlets,
I was trying to prevent girls Iike you from making a mistake,
Thank you,
After we win the costume contest,
we'II distribute religious tracts to the kids instead of candy,
- Good one, - That's awesome,
Hey, Iadies,
- Sorry, You got a second? - Yeah,
Listen, I'm concerned about Mary,
Something's going on,
Yeah, me too,
Well, she's part of your posse, and I think that you could help her,
I'm gonna need you to be a warrior out on the front Iines for Jesus,
You mean Iike shoot her?
No, no, I was thinking of something a Iittle Iess gangsta,
I need someone who's spiritually armed to help guide her back to her faith,
to Iove and care that only Jesus can supply,
- You down with that? - Yeah, I'm down with that,
She's pretty vulnerable right now, so I'm gonna need you to be extra gentle,
- Hurry! Hurry! Come on! - I'm going! I'm going!
- Get her! - Come on, Tia!
Stuff her in here! Hurry up! Hurry Up!
In the name of Jesus Christ,
I command you, Ieave the body of this servant of God,
You're performing an exorcism on me?! Get off me!
Where are you going? Get back here!
We've gotta get rid of the evil in you,
- It's God's will! - God's will?
- Christ died for your sins! - Okay, wait a second,
Are you not gonna accept our intervention?
You mean kidnapping? No!
You are backsliding into the flames of hell,
You've become a magnet for sin, We've all witnessed it,
Sure, Veronica acting all pure,
What about Iast spring break at the Promise Maker's rally?
You are making accusations as we're trying to save your soul?
Mary, turn away from Satan,
Jesus--he Ioves you,
You don't know the first thing about Iove,
I am filled with Christ's Iove!
You are just jealous of my success in the Lord,
This is not a weapon, you idiot,
What, did they send you to strap me on the back of your scooter?
Scooter? Mary, this is a Vespa,
And I don't know what you're talking about, Hop on,
I'd ratherwalk,
Suit yourself,
She actually tried to exorcise you?
Yeah,
That was nice of her, I guess,
The way things have been going, I probably should've Iet her,
Listen, Mary,,,
I want you to know that I don't think Dean's sick or anything,
- Yeah, right, - No, really,
Mercy House doesn't really exist for the people who get sent there,
It exists more for the people who do the sending,
So why were you at Hilary Faye's when she was praying for Dean?
Honestly,,,
I thought you'd be there,
Well, thank you for the ride, Patrick,
Any time,
Do you wanna go out sometime?
What--are you gonna take me out on your scooter?
Come on, I'm, Iike, totally adorable,
Besides, it would drive Hilary Faye crazy,
I can't, I'm not dating right now,
What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?
Good night, Patrick,
Thank you so much,
You guys are so sweet, You know what?
We need to,,,
We need to take a moment
and think about those people who aren't as fortunate
to have the body of Christ in their Iife right now,
So, Iet's,,, Iet's pray for Mary,
Lucky for me, at our school,
teen pregnancy was about as common as the flesh-eating virus.
No one really seemed to catch on.
AII right, students,,,
Except Cassandra.
,,,and we're going to continue with the Beatitudes,
- Let's--Mary? - Could I have a bathroom pass?
- Sure, - Thanks,
BIessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven,
BIessed are you when people insult you, persecute you,
and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me,
Excuse me,
It doesn't bother you to have people smoking around you?
It's so bad for the baby,
I'm not pregnant, okay?
So, what's your plan? It's too Iate for the big A,
You Iook Iike a smuggler, I know somewhere you could sell it,
I'm not gonna sell my,,,
It's Dean's, isn't it?
You can't do this on your own,
Yes, I can,
No, you can't,
I thought I was helping him,
I thought it was,,,
,,,what Jesus wanted me to do,
That's pretty stupid, right?
It's not stupid,
- Yes, it is, - It's not stupid,
If you're interested,
I know some people who would pay a Iot of money
to take naked pictures of you in a family way,
Oh, yeah? How much money?
You need to get out of here,
Are we cutting?
- Should you be driving? - What is it with you people?
You don't think we can do anything, do you?
No, I mean, you don't have your Iicense, do you?
No,
Here, Years of shoplifting have taught me how to hide a bundle,
Did I ever tell you about the time that I shoplifted a frozen turkey
out of a Piggly Wiggly wearing only a tube top and some daisy dukes?
I can't pay for all of this,
Compliments of Hilary Faye,
So, Patrick asked you out, and you turned him down?
The boy is a tomcat, even if he is a big J,C, freak,
And, double-plus bonus, I'm pretty sure he's not a mo,
He's Pastor Skip's son, and I'm about to pop a baby out,
I should tell Patrick to act gay, Maybe then he'd get a Iittle action,
Nice, very nice,
Does it ever bother you that he can't walk?
He can't walk?!
No, I mean it must be tricky, that's all,
I don't care,
- He gets me, and I get him, - Cool,
- Hello, Iadies, - Hello,
Check this out,
I got a candy bar and a whole nickel,
Oh, Jesus,
Don't Iook now, but bitch face is here with your boyfriend,
Hey, guys,
Merry Christmas,
What's wrong with her?
It's nothing,
I just get this really Ieft-out feeling around Christmas time, you know?
Jewish,
Well, if you decided to accept Christ into your heart,
then you and your people could join in on the fun, too,
We should go,
Bye, guys,
- Wait! - What?
- You're right, - I am?
I wanna join in on the fun,
I don't want a Hanukkah bush this year,
I want a Christmas tree,
- You're kidding me again, right? - I wanna get saved,
I want a relationship with Jesus Christ, for real,
- Are you serious? - Yes,
Okay, This is gonna be pretty intense, Patrick,
I don't have all of my equipment with me, but,,,
Okay, sit down,
First of all, we need to have you confess all of your sins out Ioud,
Well, there's all the swears,
I mean, I have a pretty goddamn dirty mouth,
And then there's the sex, I mean, are we counting oral?
So, Christmas shopping with Hilary Faye?
No, no, I just ran into her here, honestly,
She's helping me pick out some Iast-minute gifts,
- Come here, Sorry, - What are you doing, Patrick?
I just wanna see what's in here,
- But-- - No, no, come on,
- We're not allowed,,, - Just for a second,
- I don't think we should be in here, - Yes, we should definitely be in here,
It's incredible,
I Iike you, Mary,
I really do,
Why?
You're beautiful,
And you speak for yourself,
God gave us all free will,
and that day at Hilary Faye's prayer circle,
you weren't afraid to use it,
You inspired me,
You amaze me, Mary,
This is a bad idea, I knew it,
- Wait a minute, - You're not my type, Patrick,
Why? Why not?
I'm sorry,
Mary, wait,
Thanks,
So, I duct taped a piece of rotten bacon inside Hilary Faye's Iocker,
That's disgusting,
She made me Iisten to the entire EIms CD on her iPOD,
I didn't ask you to get saved,
Anyway, it's not a big deal,
Last year I got saved so I could go on a ski trip,
Oh, my God!
How do you feel?
I'm a whole new girl, Hay Faye,
I told you! How great is Jesus?
About that, I've decided to devote my Iife to Satan instead,
Thanks, though!
What?
Who beefed?
She was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit,
When he had contemplated this, an angel of the Lord
appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph, son of David,
"do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife
"because the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit,
Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son,"
I know this is, like, totally wrong,
but don't you ever wonder if she made the whole thing up?
I mean, you have to admit it's a good one.
It's not like anyone could use virgin birth as an excuse again.
I don't really think she made it up,
but I could understand why a girl would.
Quit being so stingy,
What? They're my Valentine's Day chocolates,
Hilary Faye, you bought them for yourself, so it doesn't count,
You still have that?
I haven't decided if I wanna give it to him yet,
Well, you better decide fast,
Happy Valentine's Day,
- Thank you, - I made it myself,
It's a dumb idea anyway,
Mary's been going through a Iot of changes this year, and,,,
a relationship is the Iast thing she needs right now,
Yeah, you're the relationship expert,
You and Mom don't even talk any more,
That's because your mom has her missionary position,
and I have my responsibilities running the school, and--
Mom told me everything this summer,
Why didn't you just get divorced when she wanted to?
Because divorce is not part of God's plan,
Dad, you need to think of a new plan,
I thought you were at your meeting with Pastor Skip,
It got cancelled,
Again? That's, Iike, three times this week?
Four,
Well, do you wanna talk about it?
I think this one's between me and Jesus,
But do you wanna talk?
No,
I keep trying to remind myself
that when Jesus shuts a door, he opens a window,
Yeah, so we have something we can jump out of,
- Hello. - Hey, it's me,
I'm trying to get the board to okay this new youth outreach program--
you get the kids into the church via rock music concerts,
One of the board members says, "Hey, I can't tell the difference
between Christian rock and secular rock anymore,"
And I said, "Dude, exactly,"
You get their attention, and then you hit them with the message,
and boom, you've saved another soul,
- Skip, - What?
I don't care,
- You don't care? - I've missed you,
I've missed our meetings,
I feel good when I'm with you, I think you feel good, too,
I've missed you, too, yeah,
I wonder why God would give us these feelings of happiness,
if what we're doing is wrong,
What are we doing, Lillian?
We haven't done anything to be ashamed of, Skip,
Is this how people turn away from Christ's teachings?
I mean, I,,,
AII the,,, all the bible study I've done,
all the preaching I've done to the kids, and,,,
,,,all the prayers for forgiveness I've prayed, and,,,
AII I can think about is,,,
,,,kissing you,
I want-- I want to kiss you,
Then kiss me,
By Easter, it seemed Jesus had answered my mom's prayers,
and she was as happy as she was when she first got back from Orlando.
I'm probably gonna be Iate tonight 'cause I have my meeting,
I know, What, are you meeting twice a week now?
Or petrol, you could do petrol,
Pastor Skip suggested Patrick take more interest in school activities.
He said that by focusing his energies on the Lord,
he would have less time to think about dating.
Or I should say, he would have less time to think about dating me.
Now, that's what I call being hung on a cross,
Patrick and I and everyone-- we're gonna go grab some food,
- If you guys wanna come, that'd be cool, - We're going to DQ,
So we can watch Hilary Faye try and get into your Easter basket?
No, thanks,
Cassandra, it's not too Iate to achieve a personal relationship with Jesus Christ,
Eternal damnation's not fit for anyone, not even you,
- Right? - Good one,
I should kick your fat, Christian ass right now,
Really? Do you know that I could get you expelled
for that type of Ianguage, Edelstein?
- And I'm not even fat, okay?! - Your head is fat!
And your ass is fat!
- Whatever! - It's Iike she's retarded!
I'm two months away from getting outta here without anyone knowing,
Just,,,it's hard, but cool it, okay?
Next time, the bitch is going down,
I'm sorry,
I wanna show you something,
It's a sonogram I took a while ago,
I'm having a Iittle girl,
You sure you're not having a sea monkey?
- Yeah, - She's beautiful,
You think it's safe to keep this in your Iocker?
- Safer than at home, - Let's go,
I don't really get how someone so pretty can be so,,,ugly,
She wasn't always pretty,
My parents didn't want two handicapped kids, and she was the easy fix,
What do you mean "handicapped?"
Before we moved to Cherry Hill,
before the fat camps and Tetracycline,
her outside matched her inside,
Oh, my God,
- Just make sure you put this back, - I'II take care of it tonight,
- What are you doing with that? - Nothing,
Well, well, well,
If it isn't the heathens,
Burn in hell, you narrow-minded, tacky-ass bitch,
Burn in hell, you narrow-minded--
- She doesn't mean it, - Yes, I do!
You're gonna be expelled for sure for threatening me!
Pastor Skip put us on work detail for Hilary Faye's prom committee.
You better be wearing underpants this time,
A particularly cruel punishment.
No, seriously, move it higher,
- Higher! - You're doing a great job,
It's Iooking really phat,
I'm so glad,
Hey, Mary, you need some help?
- Sure, thanks, - I'II come to you,
So, Iisten, I was wondering, what are you doing the night of prom?
Why? Are you asking me to prom?
Maybe,
- Okay, - Okay?
Yeah, okay, I'II go with you,
As friends,
Okay, as friends,
I thought you were gonna ask Patrick to the prom,
Tia, would you just shut up?
Do you wanna go back to being invisible girl with bad hair?
That could easily happen,
Just don't ask stupid questions!
Did you take care of business?
Now, where are you going?
You can tacky-up prom on your own, because I quit,
Oh, my gosh, You can't quit,
Watch me, Watch me walking away,
Watch me walking away from Jesus,
What?!
Yes, this is she, Who is this?
Are you serious?
Thank you so much,
Godflight has agreed to perform at our prom! Can you believe that?!
Prayer works for everything! I told you,
- Oh, my gosh, - I'm so excited,
Now she's never gonna shut up,
Give her about ten minutes,
Turn them off! Turn them off now, please!
Turn them,,,
What?
It's not fair,
I am trying to be a good Christian and a Iiving example of Christ's Iove,
and I have done nothing but bust my buns for those sinners,
And you know that Cassandra and Mary are behind this,
Do you have proof?
I gave you proof before, and you did not do one thing about it,
Those who did this will not escape the eyes of God, Hilary Faye,
PIease, Lord, don't Ieave me alone,
They need to know that what they've done is wrong,
PIease, Lord, please, Just tell me what I need to do,
Listen, by the end of the week we're out of here,
- She can't do anything, - No, I know,
What's going on?
Oh, my God,
- Somebody call the police, - Can you believe it?
No way, This is screwed up,
Oh, my God,
Holy crap!
- That's sad, - Turn away, Turn away,
AII right, Everybody, Iet's get to our classes, please,
- You two come in with me, - What?
Unacceptable, I can't even concentrate today,
Get to class, Iadies, Go on,
What?! That's not mine!
- Pastor Skip, - Anything else?
No, nothing more,
What is that?
- Someone get the nurse! - Just hang on,
I can't believe we were friends with her,
You have everything, Hilary Faye,
What are you afraid of?
So you offered up your virginity to save Dean?
Because Jesus told you to?
- Anything else? - No,
Can I have a word with you?
What's the matter, Skip?
You didn't know that she was pregnant?
I thought she was stress eating, I didn't want her to get a complex,
You are so blinded by this,,, that you can't even see it,
Let me spell it out to you,
God is punishing us for our sin by getting our attention through Mary,
That doesn't even make sense,
And the Ionger we Iived in sin, the worse things got for her,
And what's worse is we're not spiritually right with the Lord,
and we are not fit to help her,
Dean has been here for almost a year, okay?
They can help her,
I wanna think about it,
If you're not gonna send her to get the help she needs,
I can't see you any more,
Cassandra, wait!
He expelled me! Can you believe that?!
And the one time I didn't do anything,
Well, I'II go with you,
I can't deal with this right now, I have to go,
Wait!
I don't have a ride,
PIease help me find him,
You know where a girl can get some smokes?
You never fold things,
Well, I'm folding now,
I'm not going to Mercy House,
We agreed that this is for the best,
We?! Who's we?
Pastor Skip said this child needs to be raised by a mother and a father,
So I don't even get a say in this?
You're not prepared to raise this child by yourself!
Something Iike this could ruin the rest of your Iife,
So, what, did I ruin yours, Mom?
Don't talk Iike that,
It Iooks so perfect,
Just Iike the picture that I brought in,
Thank you,
Crap,
I'm sorry, but it's been declined, Do you have another card?
I knew it,
Listen, I'm really sorry I ditched you yesterday,
Look, this year has been great,
Before you, it was all about Hilary Faye dragging my ass around all the time,
When you Ieft yesterday, I stuck on my own,
And it was okay,
So,,,
So I realized that I might just be relying on you
the same way I was relying on Hilary Faye,
I don't wanna be the guy who's with the girl because he needs her,
I wanna be the guy who's with the girl because he wants her,
And I want you,
I want you, too,
And I thought it was all about the sex,
Oh, well, that too,
Look, I have this crazy idea about tonight,
Mary, Roland's on the phone,
I got it,
What's going on?
- Hello, Where you headed? - Lombard and Kale, please,
You guys Iook incredible,
You're not really going to prom, are you?
Don't get angry, but I got you a really sexy dress,
Hilary Faye's gonna call the cops if we show up at her prom,
No, she won't,
See, I've been snagging all her credit card bills
so she wouldn't find out about all the charges we made, right?
Look at this,
She charged a bunch of spray paint at Home Depot
at 3 A,M, on the morning of the attack,
Nowwe have proof,
We have every right to be at that prom,
Oh, yeah, We've got another surprise for you,
So cute,
I got yellow and red 'cause I didn't know which one,,,
But, Patrick,,,
It really doesn't matter to me,
Are you sure?
Yeah,
Red, Right,
I can't believe that you guys did all of this for me,
So, you in?
I'm in,
I knew Mary was hiding something,
To imagine her humping that pervert makes me sick to my stomach,
- Gross, - And Roland still hasn't shown up,
I can't believe your own brother calls you the "C" word,
I can't believe we have to go to the prom in this van,
Yeah, well, get over it, okay?
When I tried to pay for my hair, my credit card was mysteriously maxed out,
and the Iimo guy wouldn't take a personal check, Get off my back!
It's bad enough we don't have dates,
Hey, Iet me try that tiara on,
Lay off the tiara, Tia!
Your pimple hardly shows, Hilary Faye,
Come on, Tia! Let's get the Iead out!
Let's go, We're gonna be Iate,
Coming,
- Okay? - You Iook beautiful,
You can hardly see that thing,
Can you stop bringing it up? Thank you,
Let's go, Come on, Tia, Walk fast,
Run,
Name the most recognizable figure in the world.
Jesus Christ,
- Madonna? - Jesus Christ.
Newborns bond with their mothers during the first three what?
- Minutes, - Months.
No! The correct answer is minutes.
In "The Wizard of Oz, "
Dorothy clicks her heels three times and says what?
Charlene.
Are you ready?
- Sure, - Sure,
Why are they here?
Praise Jesus, everybody! Jesus Ioves you!
We're taking a short break, We'II be back in ten,
We will inherit the earth, Praise Jesus,
On behalf of the prom committee,
I wanna thank each and every one of you
for making our "Light of the World" prom a huge success,
Give yourself a round of applause,
But on a sadder note-- I don't want to dampen the evening--
but the students who were responsible
for the attacks on our school have infiltrated our prom,
Pastor Skip?
Mary Cummings and Cassandra Edelstein have crashed our prom,
- Could you please,,, - Maybe we should get out of here,
We're not going anywhere,
Roland, where have you been? I've been very worried about you,
You Iook Iike you survived,
- Excuse me, - Finally,
AII right, Chill out, everybody,
I don't think these students are here to do us any harm,
- What? Are you kidding? - No, I'm not kidding,
I think the Christian thing to do would be to Iet them stay,
The Christian thing to do?
I've been doing the Christian thing my entire Iife,
I did not have sex with a gay and try and blame it on Jesus,
- Just cool it, Hil, - Shut up, you fornicator,
And I did not hack into the school's computer system
and cover our walls with that blasphemous graffiti, either,
You planted that paint on Cassandra and Mary to get them kicked out of school,
That's such a Iie,
Oh, please,
And what does this prove,
except the fact that you stole my credit card to charge the paint,,,
,,,and the clothes from Maternity Girl,
Yeah, she's right, Roland, Anybody could've made these charges,
Oh, yeah? You swear to God you didn't frame us, Hilary Faye?
No, I will not,
You can't swear, can you?
Go ahead, swear it,
Come on, Hil, Swear before God and everyone else,
AII right, I swear,
I swear to God I did not graffiti our school,
Are you guys happy?
Oh, yes, you did, Hilary Faye,
I found this crammed up under her seat,
What?
It's got your signature, Hilary Faye,
Come on, Veronica, Let's go,
Let me go!
You are nothing but a big fake!
I think you should go, Hilary,
Step aside, please,
- Hil-- - Get away from me!
- You really should go now, - You go!
I designed these decorations here!
And my father donated the refreshments!
And I got Godflight onstage, okay?!
And I was just doing this because Jesus told me to, He did!
Now, you, get out of my way! AII of you, get out of my way!
Get out of my way, you freaks!
I'II go get Patrick and Mary,
What are you-- What are you doing here?
I'm going to my prom,
What, did Mercy House Iet you just borrow the van?
Not exactly, We sort of Ied a rebellion and swiped it, You're pregnant?
Look, I really,,,
I wanted to tell you, but--
On the first time?
Yeah,
That is so awesome,
Yeah?
There's something I wanna tell you, too,
He's your Iife-partner, right?
Prom date,
It's really nice to see you,
- Dean, this is Patrick, - Nice to meet you,
Excuse me, Mary,
Listen, son, I suggest you and your friends get back in the van,
and back to Mercy House as quick as you can before you're all arrested,
We've had enough excitement here for tonight,
We're not Ieaving,
What you and your friends have done is not cool in the eyes of God,
- Jesus, Dad, stop it, - Patrick, this is not a gray area,
- Dad, it's all a gray area, - The Bible is black and white!
Stop it! Would you Iisten to yourself?
I don't need this from you now,
We've been kicked out of our homes and schools,
and now we're gonna be kicked out of Mercy House?
There's nowhere Ieft for us to go,
I'm supposed to be here,
This is my prom, I wanna spend it with my friends,
There's no room for moral ambiguity here, The Bible is very clear about this,
So everything that doesn't fit
into some stupid idea of what you think God wants
you just try to hide or fix or get rid of?
It's just all too much to Iive up to,
No one fits in 100% of the time,
Not even you,
I know that, Mary,
I know in my heart that Jesus still Ioves me,
Why would God make us all so different,,,
,,,if he wanted us to be the same?
Nowwhat?
Save the heathens, Hilary Faye,
Be a warrior, Hilary Faye!
Sacrifice everything, Hilary Faye!
And here's your big, fat, stupid reward!
Oh, my God,
- I think I'm feeling kind of woozy, - What?
Somebody call an ambulance,
That was so awesome, Hilary Faye!
Jesus Christ!
- You okay? - No, Roland,
I crashed my van into Jesus, okay?! I have a pimple the size of Jupiter!
I am not okay!
This is,,,
,,,not how I wanted to remember my prom,
This is not how I wanted to remember my Iife,
Well, maybe we could fix it,,,
,,,with some glue or something,
I am so sorry, Roland,
I shouldn't have ratted you out in front of everyone,
I would have probably done the same thing,
Do you think Jesus still Ioves me, Roland?
Probably not,
Yeah, sure,
Hey, she's over here!
- I'm okay, - Come on,
- Don't worry, I won't bite, - Thank you,
- It's gonna be okay, - Thank you,
I only got room for one of you,
- I'm the father, - I'm the boyfriend,
I'm his boyfriend,
That's nice, but I still only got room for one of you,
Starting the party without me?
Are you okay?
You didn't ruin my Iife, Mary,
Breathe, baby, Good girl,
Just keep breathing,
Good girl, You're gonna be fine,
Okay, I'm pretty sure this isn't what Jesus had in mind
when he said, "Help Dean. "
Look, don't be too harsh.
I'm not the first person to ever get the message screwed up.
She's perfect,
Looking at her, it's like life is too amazing
to be this random and meaningless consequence of the universe.
There had to be a God...
or something out there.
Something inside.
You just have to feel it.
Do you want to hold her?
Do you want to hold her, Dean?
I mean, really, when you think about it--
what would Jesus do?
I don't know...
...but in the meantime we'll be trying to figure it out...together.